Indirect Communication and the Affect on Feelings and Needs

This article explores indirect communication and the affect on our feelings and needs. It involves saying what we don't really mean and not really meaning what we say. It is a way of trying to prevent uncomfortable feelings and avoiding the possibility of real or perceived conflict in relationships. In the long run, it is unsustainable and leads to misunderstandings, confusion, frustration, and maybe even a loss of trust or respect.

Why do we communicate indirectly with others? Some of us learn this style from the families we grow up in and the parents or caregivers who model it. It may be related to the attachment style we developed to protect ourselves and stay safe. Others may adopt this style based on the social and cultural norms and pressures found in the region they live in.

Our experiences with family may leave us feeling like we are walking on eggshells, especially in our childhood and teen years. We may have tried to express our feelings and needs, but it got met with rejection or dismissal. Sometimes that may have led to painful conflict and punishment. So, indirect communicating may have developed as a way to avoid the anxiety response from these past experiences.

In adulthood, we may spend years trying to unlearn this insecure and anxious way of indirect communication. In some cultures, such as those found in many regions of the United States, we are more accustomed to experiencing direct or straight talk in relationships with family, friends, and in professional relationships at work. In other cultures, such as those found in many regions of Canada, we may be surprised to discover that it is more common to emphasize politeness over risking the possibility of appearing rude with honesty and directness.

Over a lifetime, we may see patterns where people say one thing, but mean another. For example, when asking a university classmate or a work colleague if they're interested in meeting up for a coffee or a bite to eat, we may assume if they replied "yes" or "sure" that it sounded like they were interested. However, after repeated follow-ups, we may experience what seems like ambivalence, avoidance, a lack of commitment, or no further responses. This can be very confusing. So, what does it mean?

Similarly, but in more formal situations, if we have been a client or customer engaged in government services, we may reach a point in our interaction with the other party where there appears to be a mutual agreement about the next steps. Confusion may set in when the other party, a government service provider, disappears from their contact with you and seems unresponsive to any follow-up inquiries by phone or email.

In another example, we may have applied for an employment opportunity or been recruited for a position with a company who portrayed their mission, vision, values and culture as oriented toward diversity, inclusion, and equity. They may have given off the appearance of valuing empathy and collaboration. However, within just two weeks of starting the job, you may have realized the workplace culture was dysfunctional, hostile, and even toxic. The disconnect between what was represented and what was observed, may have been shocking. What is this pattern we were seeing?

The result of these experiences can lead to feeling confused and frustrated by the communication and meaning we make in our interactions. It can feel exhausting to try and interpret the actual meaning of what a person says, which is different from the words they speak or write. It would save everyone a lot of effort and energy to say how we really feel, to state what we really need, and to make a direct request for what we expect and want. This is congruency, genuineness, and assertiveness. This is direct communication.

By speaking or writing directly, it improves the likelihood that the sender and receiver of a message will understand the real meaning and intention. It leaves all parties feeling more secure, fulfilled, and able to establish trust. How do we practice this simply? We state what we observe (or see or hear or experience) as neutrally as possible without judgement and interpretation. We express how we feel and explain the reason we feel this way is because of what we're needing or expecting. Then we make a request, as a way to get our needs met in an honest and authentic way. This can all be done respectfully and considerately in a way that is effective for personal or professional relationships.