Learning about Self & Others from Interactions in the Primary Triad

This article describes a process of learning about self and others from interactions in a primary triad. The learning which occurs through a person’s experience in their primary triad (self and two parents or caregivers) includes development of their sense of self, an understanding of their place in the world, and their trust in relationships with other people.

This learning is based on the experience of the parent's roles, relationship, and the quality of care received. A child is dependent upon the parents and is influenced by their behavior. Their survival depends on the care they received, which includes meeting basic physical needs for things like food and higher emotional level needs for love, nurture, and affection.

All children’s experiences began with the powerful influence of being helpless in the world and completely reliant on their caregivers during the first months and years of life. Any experiences they had which they could not understand at a certain time in their development, they attempt to make sense of in their own way. These become a mix of conscious and unconscious memories that blend truths and distortions.

This blending of memories affects a person’s sense of self, world view, and their ability to cope throughout life. If they felt abandoned in childhood, they may struggle with forming intimate and trusting relationships in adulthood. This may be a result of unconscious fears of experiencing abandonment again. They may also hold on to a belief that they are not lovable.

A person also learns how to deal with stressors in life based on these early triad experiences. Of particular importance, are the things they learned before they were verbal. In addition, the ability to identify and name feelings or emotions, or the ability to cognitively understand experience may not have been established before the earliest ages of 2-3 or the later ages of 5-7. It is the filling in of these gaps in emotional and cognitive understanding that leads to the creation of distortions about a person’s sense of self, their view of the world, and their trust (or distrust) in relationships.

It's worthwhile to consider how parents modeled their way of relating to one another, which was observed and experienced by the child. If for example, there was mistreatment, blame, abuse, and forms of disconnection, the child may grow up to learn to relate with others (such as intimate partners) in a similar way. This learning is about what to expect not only from the parents, but also from others in the world.

The triadic process effects our human interactions in a variety of ways. One of the most important effects are on a person’s ability to accept that equal attention is not possible for all three members at the same time, nor is it possible at all times. In most three person interactions, one person may feel left out at any given moment.

It’s beneficial for people who have experienced problematic triad relationships to have an opportunity to develop awareness of the pain associated with their experience in these relationships. Through a guided process of re-experiencing the triad relationship, people can become more aware of the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that emerge, especially when they feel left out, excluded, or rejected.

Sometimes the effect on human interactions, includes a tendency to withdraw or avoid the relationship interactions because this was previously an effective way of coping and surviving to prevent the pain from resurfacing.

It’s important for a counsellor to understand these effects and interactions before using these processes in therapy so that they can also learn how their triad of origin contributed to their own development and difficulties in relating to others. If the counsellor is not aware of their own experience in their triad, they will be less likely to stay grounded and present with clients in situations where these old feelings may be activated.

The counsellor who works with clients in these processes will need to be able to assist them with issues that come up, including support with becoming more aware of their own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors during any simulation of roles. Inevitably, discomfort may arise in participants (including the counsellor) and struggles with the ability to cope in relation with any of the other triadic members.

At some point, the therapeutic process must shift from working through feelings to dealing directly with skills involved in certain tasks related to real life situations. This includes working with actual conflict together and experiencing new ways that signify safe, trusting, and continuous attachment is possible. Ideally, these new tools will translate into other relationships outside of therapy, which are invaluable to each person’s psychosocial well-being in life, work, and play.

Sources

Brothers, B. J. (2013). Virginia Satir: Foundational Ideas. Routledge.