Distorted Ways of Relating to People in Our Lives

This article briefly introduces distorted ways of relating to people in our lives. We all have certain ways of seeing and perceiving people who we are in relationships with. Some of these ways of seeing people can be distorted. Counselling can assist us with exploring and understanding if the way we are seeing another person might be misleading. I want to explain about a specific type of distortion, called parataxic distortion, and the possibility for change.

Parataxic distortion involves relating to another person based on traits we see in them that are not real, but associated with our inner world, and originating from experiences with a different person from the past. This type of distortion can be activated in relationship with a counsellor or in other relationships outside of counselling.

This way of seeing a person in our current life involves placing an attitude toward them that is from a past relationship. Relating to them in an accurate way gets distorted in response to getting our needs met. It is a version of transference, from unconscious memories based in early childhood experiences of interacting with parents or caregivers who were part of our primary triad.

Relational distortion shapes our pattern of attaching or bonding with others throughout life. It is associated with a person's schema, the internal model we carry within – what we believe about ourselves and how we make sense of relationships and behaviors. Unfortunately, these interpersonal distortions with others seem to become a pattern that is habituated and reinforced over time. It can become sabotaging because it may manifest in a way that leads to behaviors which cause repeated disconnection and pushes others away.

Disconnecting from people and pushing them away can leave us feeling lonely and socially isolated. If you think you may have a tendency or pattern of seeing certain people in your life with a distorted lens, then it may be worth considering counselling to explore and understand this further. It is possible to change by working with a counsellor to address how past relational experiences and attachment styles may be influencing current ways of relating to people. By comparing our own interpretations and evaluations with other peoples,' it is also possible to validate whether our beliefs are accurate or not.

Sources

Shebib, B. (2019). Choices: Interviewing and counselling skills for Canadians. Pearson.