The Gifts of a Counselling Relationship

The counselling relationship is a special, one of a kind experience. People who have sat in both chairs, so to speak, know this to be true. It can be one of the most deeply meaningful and supportive interactions. This writer would like to share his personal perspective on the gifts of this type of relationship, having had a variety of experiences as both a client and a counsellor. Inspiration is credited to a favorite and well-known psychotherapist and author, Irvin Yalom, who has written on this very topic in his book, The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients.

"In counselling, one of the things we get to explore is the way to remove the barriers that interfere with our growth. We get to travel together on a journey where we are both learning and growing. This privilege of engaging and offering support is one of the great honors cherished by counsellors and therapists. At the heart of the matter is empathy. It's like looking through the eyes of the other person, or being right there with them, to understand how they experience life and the way they're feeling.

To teach and learn empathy, we must open ourselves up. We need to allow another person to really matter, to be important and special. This doesn't always come naturally in a world where many of us are taught to evaluate, criticize, and judge each other. Sometimes focusing attention on our deficits and shortcomings seems to take center stage. But when we stretch ourselves to be vulnerable when it is safe to do so, we can acknowledge our mistakes and the vast opportunities for growing and reaching our potential.

For counsellors, as in any profession, there are certain routines and habits that get repeated, which can interfere with a rehabilitative or therapeutic relationship. Sometimes counsellors see back to back clients in 50-minute sessions, six to eight times per day. This is especially true in managed care settings.

Certain familiar patterns emerge with clients and this can turn into a bit of a mechanical response if counsellors are not committed to good self-care, reflective practice, and embracing a flexible, dynamic, spontaneous, and creative approach.

In the best of scenarios, counsellors are willing and able to offer a unique and customized form of therapy for each of their clients. For clients who have experienced many counselling sessions with a variety of therapists, it's possible to notice when a repetitive and stale formula of ingredients are used. This can leave clients feeling disconnected, doubtful, and disappointed. We need to feel truly seen and heard, knowing we are special and unique. We are not just another case file to be documented and treated with a standard cognitive-behavioral intervention.

Counselling therapy is active, engaged, and personal. It's a relationship in action. It's happening right now in the present moment. It's not just a word or set of words that will be the magical therapeutic answer. Counsellors are well served by participating in their own therapy, just like their clients. No doubt about it. We all have issues and no counsellor is immune to the struggles, pain, or suffering experienced in life. In fact, most counsellors are drawn to the field because of their own wounds and healing journey. No counsellor is so aware and integrated to not find some form of benefit through an ongoing process of personal or spiritual growth and development.

This writer encourages counsellors to walk the talk and explore letting go of their own identification with being psychologically or spiritually enlightened and evolved. We're all works-in-progress, being and doing our best given the circumstances. Let's appreciate the gifts of a counselling relationship, and give ourselves permission at times to take a break from the hard work of growing and healing on our journeys.